I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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