Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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