I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
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I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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