my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
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But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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