I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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