The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize