Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
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I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
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I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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