I wish my penis had an off switch
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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