saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
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I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
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