I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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