I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
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And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
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I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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