I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
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i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
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We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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