is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
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Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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