the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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