I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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