Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
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it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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