Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
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Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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