My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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