Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
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I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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