If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
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I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need a beard to bite.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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