im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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