I threw up into my coffee this morning.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
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My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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