last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
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I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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