This is not my ceiling
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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