So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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