When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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