I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize