Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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