He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
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So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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