Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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