dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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