Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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