totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize