she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
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I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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