I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize