I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
how do you play pong handcuffed?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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