I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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