i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
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Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
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I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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