I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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