youre lurking in front of me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
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Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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