this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
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Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
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Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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