i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
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The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
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Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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