Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize