dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
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I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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