I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize