If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
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if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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