Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
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My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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