im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
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I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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