btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
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So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
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Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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