Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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